How To Survive Without Your Phone

actual phone from period of Henry VIII

A close second to many of the world’s horrible afflictions and diseases, having to spend 24 hours (or more) without a cellphone is the most horrific thing that can happen to a 20something. At that point, it basically feels like you are living on a planet with no people and no resources, although technically on … Read more

How To Use WebMD Effectively

Always start with -dementia due to HIV infection- and work outward from there.

If we are able to learn anything from our journey as a society we must learn it through WebMD. WebMD is the most powerful self diagnostic tool available at 3 o’clock in the morning when your butt feels weird. If you have seen even one of the four most recent Spiderman movies, then you must … Read more

How To Break Up With Somebody

if javier bardem and kate beckinsale cant stay together, who can?

Relationships are hard, we all know that. And to those of you who can get through the rough times and still want to be with your partner, much respect. However, for the rest of us who are bit on the weaker side and may not be able to deal with a girl/boyfriends snoring problem, we … Read more

How To Deal With Insomnia

I probably should have anticipated that these glow in the dark stars wouldn't help

There are an innumerable number of reasons that humans lose sleep. Do you have a big test tomorrow? Do you have a baby inside of you?  Is there a clown sitting on the edge of your bed that you did NOT invite? Did you recently have a Pepsi? Or more realistically (strictly based on sales) a Coke? … Read more

How To Keep Up With The Kardashians

kim, isnt the furriest rug you've been on?

For years, scientists have been confounded with one of the world’s biggest mysteries, performing countless tests and experiments, spending millions of tax-payers dollars, all in an effort to solve the big Q: Why do we care about the Kardashian’s? For five years, we have watched them parade around on our televisions, laughing, crying, copulating, yet … Read more

How To Build A Table

See, if we leave the table like this, people can have easy access to putting their food on the floor.

Use a fucking hammer.

How To Celebrate The Fourth Of July

Red, White, Blue, Spider, and Multi-Break Shells

The Fourth of July is THE most AMERICAN Holiday on the fucking planet (aggressively masturbating finishes a close second, with the Royal Wedding coming in at a distant third). If you don’t properly celebrate the Fourth of fucking July, you can LITERALLY be deported for that shit. You can be put on a big damn boat … Read more

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